Mother’s Day was last week and I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be a mother and a musician. As someone with both identities, this is probably not a surprise. But, after re-emerging into the world since covid began, going to shows and playing out again over the last month or so, it occurred to me that I am distinctly in the minority.
I gave myself a thought experiment to come up with bands with more than one mom that weren’t “big bands” and who toured at least a couple of times a year… and I couldn’t think of a single one. I asked my 1700 closest friends on Facebook for examples, many of whom are musicians, and between all of them from all over the world, they came up with exactly six bands that met this criteria (Visqueen, Our Native Daughters, Spires That in the Sunset Rise, Psychic TV, Wailin’ Jennys, and All Girl Summer Fun Band).
A google search of “bands featuring moms” came up with Top 20 lists of bands moms liked, songs with “mom” in the title, bands with “mom” in their name, and songs for moms for Mother’s Day. Just one mention of “mom bands” from 2005, which is treated like a weird, kitschy novelty- a faux punk version of a mom’s night out.
Perhaps this is more common in scenes outside of my punk-adjacent purview, but based on my experience (and let me tell you, there’s no research, so I’m going with that for now), that’s not the case. On the other hand, there’s actually a whole documentary featuring punk dads (which I actually really liked!), Dad Rock is considered a genre of music by some, and there’s an Instagram page called RigsofDad. Of course, some of this is poking fun at dads, but the fact that this even exists is proof that there are plenty of dads who play music in the first place.
Since musicians are customers of music gear manufacturers and those in music retail, and many of those folks are also their employees, it’s important for companies to understand the dynamics and experiences of musical moms, potential moms, and families. Plus, most who start their own companies in the industry are musicians, as well and, arguably, there are comparatively fewer mom music gear industry business owners than employees or performers.
We’ll start with my there are so few moms in music and gear and ways that individuals and companies can support moms to keep playing and pursuing roles in music and the music gear industry.
WHY ARE THERE SO FEW MOMS IN MUSIC and MUSIC GEAR?
As this coincides with Mother’s Day, I’m going to focus on mothering here. Trans moms are moms and there are many folks of a wide range of identities who are mothering. And many people have fraught relationships with their mothers or Mother’s Day is otherwise hard for them (ex: their mother passed away, they are mourning a child lost in a miscarriage, or they are dealing with infertility issues).
It’s also important to acknowledge that there are additional barriers for moms and non-binary parents of color, queer parents, single parents, low-income parents, and parents with disabilities. The intersection of these identities are layered and each layer shifts and changes the experience of motherhood and musicianship, and that is important to keep in mind when thinking about this topic broadly.
Overall, there are a number of issues that lead to the lack of moms in music. I addressed some of this in my piece “How Do Abortion Rights Connect to Music Gear” a while back, but I want to dig in a little further specifically into barriers to playing for moms.
GENDERED EXPECTATIONS. As many folks are likely aware, when a heterosexual couple has a child, there are differing gender expectations for parents. This can be demonstrated in a variety of ways. Arlie Hoschild identified the concept of the “second shift” where working mothers have an additional shift of home/childcare responsibilities when they come home that men do not have. This is improving, but there is still a large gap. These care responsibilities are unpaid, leaving women with less free time to engage in leisure pursuits or hobbies, like playing music.
While most women would say this is unfair, the expectation that women are the primary caregivers and the emphasis on women’s roles as mothers might mean that they experience additional guilt at the thought of leaving their child during those precious bedtime hours. Even if their partner offered, they might choose to stay home due to the guilt of these expectations- that to be a “good mother” means they need to spend as much time with their child as possible, (while fathers are congratulated for “babysitting”). And, of course, if they are a single parent without nearby family/community support, attending band practice might mean having to hire a babysitter, which might be financially out of reach.
For many middle and upper-class mothers who might otherwise have more support, ability, or time to continue playing music, attachment parenting is en vogue. For those who aren’t familiar, attachment parenting, at least initially, encourages consistent physical touch with babies and young children (other common attributes include long-term breast-feeding, baby-wearing, and co-sleeping). So, unless the child can attend band practice, if a family wants to use this parenting style, being in a band is going to be tough to manage.
If parents’ bands get to tour, the mother’s band might not be able to tour as long or as frequently, and thus, doesn’t get picked up by a label, while a father’s band, who does, is signed by a reputable label with support.
In music workplaces, gendered expectations of fathers and mothers often differ, while fathers are expected to continue working longer, less flexible hours, while mothers are given more flexibility for doctor visits, childcare pickup, or extracurriculars. This furthers inequity and contributes to the gender pay gap.
GENDER PAY GAP. There’s a pretty good chance that you’ve heard of the gender pay gap. What you might not know is that the gender pay gap is predominantly a racial pay gap combined with a gendered parenting pay gap. While there is real discrimination and harassment that occurs for women in many fields, including music, the largest portion of the gap itself is associated with a woman’s status as a mother, with women of color experiencing the greatest gaps.
Why does this happen? The main issue is connected back to gendered expectations in heterosexual relationships: when men become parents their earnings increase, but when women become parents, their earnings decrease. So, while there are real challenges for fathers is music and in music gear workplaces, if they are earning more money and have additional opportunities, while their wives are paid less and given fewer opportunities- combined with the high cost of childcare- there is often a financial decision that the father’s career will take president over the mother’s career.
Phenomena like the glass ceiling, glass escalator, glass cliff, sexual harassment, exclusionary behaviors, and the feminization of work all exacerbate any barriers mothers might experience if they are able maintain a career trajectory.
In music, this might look like fathers getting billed higher on festival line-ups and receiving higher guarantees for their performances. In manufacturing or retail, fathers might be able to work more hours and get promoted to manager, while mothers work fewer hours and may be forced to remain part-time.
TIME PLAYING. When did you start playing? While there is little research on this topic, anecdotally, if playing outside of a school band context, girls tend to start playing their instrument later than boys. Part of this is due to gendering of instruments, where “rock instruments” such as the guitar or drums are seen as instruments for boys, therefore women take the instrument up when they are more independent and outside of parental and peer influence. This is reinforced by the presence of rock camps for adult cisgender women, trans, and non-binary participants. Many adult rock campers note that they were not encouraged to start playing when they were younger, with many playing their instrument at camp for the first time. This can lead to a perception of lower skill level than cis men. Alternately, if it is perceived that music is a father’s “thing” or main hobby, while a mother might have spent less time playing, it may be seen as more important for him to maintain.
While numbers of women picking up an instrument might be changing, if women aren’t encouraged to start playing at the same rate or face more challenges in picking up a non-gender-stereotypical instrument, it is also increasingly likely that women might face additional challenges to keep playing in motherhood, as well.
When looking to the music gear industry, if women pick up an instrument later or are more likely to quit, the likelihood that they will be able to gain the hard or technical skills music gear manufacturers and retailers look for is low (let alone being perceived that they have the skill or finances to start their own company). This is despite the fact that those skills can be more easily learned than the, in many cases, more important soft and experiential skills that many women already have.
HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT MOMS?
For individual cis men in heterosexual relationships, if your partner plays music, take it seriously. Have a conversation about how you share home and care labor. Make a chart if you need to. If you have an infant or toddler who still breastfeeds, come up with a schedule to break up childcare that takes that time into account. Of course, this will look different for everyone, especially for folks who earn their living making music vs. those who play as a hobby. Either way, both partners should feel mutually supported to express themselves creatively. And if you are a friend or relative of a single mom musician, work with some other friends to rotate babysitting to cover during her band practices and shows.
I wrote more specifically about supporting customers who are parents in retail in a previous blog. And clearly, moms who are touring musicians are often times existing outside of traditional workplaces. It is important that their families, venues, booking agents, management, and labels create a community of support for their continued musical career.
Luckily, if you run a workplace in the music gear industry, there are a plethora of helpful policies and expectations you can use to create a better workplace for moms and future moms:
ample and flexible (paid!) parental/family leave for both parents (here are US state laws, but they are notoriously bad- prioritize giving more if you can!),
clarity and modeling from management that family comes first,
a focus on reaching goals rather than time on the clock,
following lactation laws even in very small businesses,
flexible and hybrid work where possible,
clear community agreements, harassment and DEI training, and well-enforced related policies
pay transparency, included in job listings
solid healthcare benefits, including reproductive healthcare supports and IVF, if possible
If you aren’t already doing these things (and of course, there are more, but this is a start), I know that list can be daunting. Pick 1-2 things to focus on first and come up with a plan to get there. On the whole, if you think supporting moms as musicians is important, it will require some intentionality, time, and potentially money, but the return you receive from moms will be great— they will get things done and add to the diversity of perspectives in your workplace, which cannot be understated. Overall, music is powerful and everyone should be able to continue to play throughout their lives.