Pronouns have become a hot topic over the last number of years and many folks in trainings have expressed their confusion about how to use them. Since I’ve been covering language lately, (such as gender neutral language), it seemed like an appropriate time to finally dig into the issue of pronouns.
I will start by noting that I am a cisgender woman, and that, of course, I am not the expert on this topic! I am sharing with you what I do know, and if I learn more, I’ll share what I have learned. If you are a trans or non-binary person who doesn’t want to read to a cisgender woman covering about this, I totally get it! And ideally, if you are a cisgender person, there are TONS of folks on YouTube and other online spaces who can share this information better than I ever could (here, here, here, here, here, here). But you are here, and it’s an important topic, so I’m going to dig in.
What are pronouns and why are they important? Pronouns are words that you use to refer to someone when you are not using their name. And for trans and non-binary folks, it’s also a way of respecting their humanity.
However, not everyone has trans or non-binary people in their lives (which is a whole other conversation), so when they first start using pronouns, it might require a little mental effort and practice— and you will likely make a few mistakes along the way. But it is definitely worth it to show that you care.
With that, here are 10 tips for respectfully using pronouns:
When introducing yourself to someone, one way to be respectful is to say, “Hi! My name is Hilary and I use she/her pronouns.” That way, they can choose to share their pronouns if they want to. This is especially important for cis people because it normalizes the behavior. In a workplace, this might be done during introductions or included in your email signature.
However, it’s best not to require folks to share pronouns, and to, instead, make it optional. You don’t want someone to be forced to out themselves in the case that they might not feel safe or comfortable.
People may use different pronouns in different settings because they don’t want to be outed.
The most common pronouns are she/her, he/him, and they/them. However, there are a variety of newly created pronouns out in the world that people use, often referred to as “neopronouns” such as ze/hir or ae/aer.
Even though you may have heard the argument that the singular “they” isn’t grammatically correct, that is wrong. Think about finding a bag somewhere. You see it and point to your friend and say, “It looks like someone left their bag.” Totally legit and no one would blink an eye.
If you mess up someone’s pronouns, make the apology short and not about you and how bad/embarrassed you feel for screwing up (“Oops, sorry, ‘they’,” and move on NOT “Oops! Oh my gosh, I’m SO SORRY! It’s just so hard for me!”).
Use “they” pronouns for someone if you don’t know their pronouns, but don’t just do that because you think someone “looks non-binary.” Anyone can use any pronoun and it’s not connected to their appearance.
If someone uses pronouns like, he/they or she/they, don’t just default to the pronoun that you are most comfortable with. Try mixing it up. This can feel affirming for folks.
Saying that you “don’t care” what pronoun someone uses for you, or saying “whatever you want” or saying that you use “they” pronouns when you don’t consider yourself non-binary or gender fluid might feel like you are being inclusive, but it can also be read as though you aren’t taking the identities of others seriously.
Someone can change their pronouns across their lifetime, or even within the same day if they use multiple pronouns. It’s good to check in with folks and to respect where folks are at on their journey.
Once again, I do not have all of the answers here, and this is very much 101 level. I would love to hear thoughts from trans and non-binary folks around this topic if you think I have something wrong or if there’s something to add. This language is always changing and there are sometimes disagreements within communities about particular details as well, but this is what I have learned so far, and if this is new to you, I hope it is helpful!